And no, not the Monty Python kind.

I just spent a good three hours sitting in front of my laptop, finally going through the enormous backlog of spam comments that have been building up over the summer. Why do people spam? Is it like telemarketing? Do they get paid for ever comment or email they send out? Whatever the reason, I have a few things to say to these telespammers.

First off. Yes, I’m a lesbian. I like girls. And while I appreciate your thoughtfulness in linking me to several hundred lesbian porn sites, I’m really not that into watching other girls do it – especially in some of the ways you describe in such detail. And I am not at all into watching gay men do it, so from now on, maybe you could hold back on those sites. It’s not exactly up my alley, if you know what I mean.

Second. I’m a sucker for comments. So you definitely fool me every once in awhile when you say what a great site I have, or the article I wrote was fascinating, but could you maybe do it without posting a link to car dealership or an online cooking site that doesn’t really lead anywhere? I like cooking, but I’m not going to take a class online for it. It also kind of disrupts the flow of the comment when you link it mid-sentence. “Your site is [link]blackberry iphone![/link] awesome!” That doesn’t exactly help your disguise as a normal reader.

And finally, to my non-English writing spammers. I don’t know what you’re saying anyway, so maybe it’s not worth your time to spam me. Try some other site in Russian.

Okay, off to do real work. And by real work, I mean putting on music and procrastinating on cleaning the house.

(Also, I maybe have accidentally deleted some real comments in the midst of this – if you’ve commented recently maybe you should check to make sure it’s there now. If not, post again! Unless you’re a spammer…)