Happy Halloween.

I feel strange today. Not in the “Oh it’s Halloween, spooky spooky!” strange, but more of a “I don’t exactly feel like myself” strange. I suppose that does have to do with what day it is though. Halloween is my favorite holiday. There is no other holiday that allows you to dress up as something ridiculous, fantastical, or otherwise completely out of character, and not have people on the street judge you for being insane (well, to be practical about it, you will be judged, but more for what kind of costume you have on, not for simply wearing one – and, in all honesty, you might still be seen as insane). And for dressing up, instead of embarrassed looks from strangers who happen to have the misfortune of being on the same street as you, you get candy! Chocolate bars, jolly ranchers, sweet, sticky, gooey, yummy, unhealthy, rot-your-teeth candy! And all you have to do is put on a mask or a cape or a paper bag and you’re set (though I hope you all put more thought into it than that).

I love Halloween. Maybe it’s that child in us, or that need to be more than we appear. Halloween gives us the freedom to be exactly what we want, regardless of reality, expectations, or morals. Be a princess, a vampire, Sarah Palin with an Obama button pinned to your vest (“She’s a true Maverick.”) There are endless opportunities and choices and it all happens on one day.

I digress.

I feel strange today. Why? For the first time in I don’t know how long (quite possibly this is the first time this has happened), I have not dressed up. Did I think about it? Of course. But the problem isn’t a costume or lack of one, this year I seem to lack the spirit. And on a deeper level, it might have to do with the problems I’ve been having in defining myself. How can I be expected to be excited in being something else when I don’t even know who I am on a normal day. Maybe that should make it easier, but I can’t help but focus on who I really want to be everyday, not just for one holiday. I want to have a set identity for my day to day life before I continue to go all out for my favorite day of the year.

I don’t know if that makes sense to some people. Regardless, I’ll still probably find something to wear to hand out candy. I have a set of wings… Maybe I’ll figure something out. The flaw of Halloween? In an aisle of a thousand faerie wings, not a single pair really work.

Happy Halloween.